Prattle Peach

honey/vinegar

Maybe he was actually that happy, or maybe his mama had taught him that you catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar.
Junot Díaz

Everything that’s happened during these last few weeks feels like it doesn’t count; like I’m in some kind of limbo.

I can’t be upset at anyone for their actions during this time because I know how stressful everything is.

Too much time with family members, losing a job or being furloughed, and a lack of outlets and normalcy is affecting all of us.

I don’t blame you for not being nice to me, and I promise you I won’t try to get even or get bitter. I believe that things will get better for you and me and if we’re meant to be in each others’ lives in the future then maybe we will be. And I’ll even leave that part up to you.

I’m taking a long, much needed break from social media. Well, like an 80% break. I’ll log in to Snapchat and Instagram only once a day and if I did something worth sharing then maybe I’ll share it but I’m not going to take random selfies and then critique how I look in every single one. You know how people call diets “lifestyle choices?” That’s what I’m doing with social media. Cutting out 80% of the fatty bad parts and useless carbs and only choosing the good protein-y parts.

For my job, a big part of what I do is monitor Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and NextDoor on a loop. Then I go home and jump on Snapchat and Instagram and do the same thing but for myself and it feels like lately I can’t do anything (at work and personally) without sharing it online.

I am a finalist for a national award in my field, and instead of sharing it with everyone I know I just want it to be my experience. I want to selfishly wrap myself around my achievements and not invite anyone to know about them. The amount of pressure I’ve felt about this award for the past two weeks has been more than anything I’ve ever felt before. Whether I win it or not, I want to live in the moment.

I’ll still write, and I will upload here (thank you to everyone who reads this, I didn’t imagine we would get so far!), but I just don’t want to send any more pictures of myself to people.

I don’t want anybody to see me, to be proud of me, to be nice to me, to be mean to me, except for me.

living deliciously

learning to: cook and take life’s challenges gracefully.
talking to: an old friend and a younger brother.
all while: wearing high heels.

The universe feels right. Yesterday I visited a local botanist (apothecary?) from whom I bought two spider plants and two fittonias. My cat likes to chew on plants so he was also very excited to invite them into our apartment.

I was thinking of naming them after goddesses that relate to nature – Hecate, Demeter, Persephone, Gaia.

Tonight I FaceTimed NYC herself and she gave me another cooking lesson, this was #3.

NYC always makes me feel like I can do something about my life. I miss getting matcha lattes with her and spending hours shopping and talking about anything and everything. She has the best taste in music, coffee, and in life.

I am going to learn how to cook real food from scratch and not just drink two cans of Diet Coke. I made a roasted tomato sauce and poured it over a bed of baked chicken and pasta made from brown rice and black beans. It was such a success.

Today I wore high heels all day and I felt good. The backs of my legs were sore from the fire hydrant & leg lift combos in yesterday’s workout, but it was the good kind of sore where you feel proud of your efforts.

I have a four day weekend, and I plan to stay up really late and watch movies and do things that make me feel good. It is an achievement when we do not allow the actions of others to take away our spark or our self confidence. It feels great to have it wrapped around me like a cloak. Delicious actually. I believe the universe keeps challenging me but there must be a good reason why so I won’t take a single thing for granted – good and bad.

My little brother is coming to stay the weekend, so it’ll be fun to have someone to go to parks and beaches with. I want to explore somewhere new with someone old. I am taking a holiday from doing things that are the latter with someone who is the former.

centrality preference

Why don’t you just meet me in the middle? Or why I only go pee in the first bathroom stall.

I read an article a long time ago that has stuck with me for life. It said that the first stall in a public bathroom is always the cleanest, because people tend to skip it for one further back to have more privacy.

The middle ones have the most germs, because of a weird human trait called “centrality preference.” According to a study published in the Journal of Pacific Rim Psychology, it is an implicit rule that makes people prefer items located in the middle, but not those at the extreme ends.

Things in the middle are looked at longer, and remembered better than things on the extreme ends so it makes us feel more comfortable to choose middle things.

The study asks you to imagine a bowl of coffee beans and you have to sort out good ones from the bad ones. You would usually put the good ones in a pile right in front of you and leave the bad ones in the bowl or put them to either side. We put important things in the middle of the photograph when we take pictures, too.

I wonder if it’s more significant in other ways too. Does centrality preference dictate even more things in my life? Beyond where I pee?

I always sat in second row in class, towards the front but not the actual front. I never sat in the back or the middle. I think half of the reason is because of my shitty ass eyesight (I can never see the board) and the other half is because I like to know things. I like learning. I like class. I don’t want to slouch in the back or blend in with the middle kids, but at the same time I’m not a front rower.

Everyone knows if you don’t know the answer to a multiple choice question you pick ‘C.’ You just do it, and you feel like it was a wise guess.

Grocery stores stock their shelves with the least expensive items at the bottom because we’re least likely to buy them. We choose what’s in the middle of our line of sight, probably a more expensive name brand instead of the affordable generic brand.

I would never pick the first thing off the menu at a restaurant. I tend to scan through the rest of the page before ultimately deciding. The best thing is never the first thing.

I really wonder how far this thing goes. How many times have I picked something just because it’s in the middle? And was it really the best thing I could have picked?

limitations: working out and throwing up

HIIT me.

This morning I woke up at 5 a.m. and instead of going back to sleep I threw on some workout clothes and started a HIIT routine.

I didn’t eat dinner last night and I started a 2 week shred routine from Chloe Ting, which is such a guood workout if you want to try something new. (All of her workouts are free and I’ve seen a lot of results, here’s a link.)

I pushed a little too hard (read: way too hard) and I ended up throwing up and feeling awful. Then I was so mad at myself for not being able to handle it that I started the whole thing over and almost passed out at the end.

I’m feeling restless (because of the pandemic) and there’s nothing else to do. None of the things I like to do are available to me any more. I’m throwing myself into testing my limits and I’m throwing up and getting angry and repeating it twice a day.

I tried to distract myself in so many different ways – people, music, projects. But there’s nothing like exerting yourself physically over something and letting out all of the emotions you’ve built up.

I’m mixing it up with different types of workouts. I hate running and yet I’m running until the sweat stings my eyes and all I can hear is my heartbeat swelling in my ears. It’s like I’m running because I hate running and right now I hate a lot of things so it makes sense for me to do it and use it as fuel. The only difference right now is that I’m not really feeling better I just keep getting angrier and I don’t know why that is.

I’ve reached my limit on other things so I’m pushing my limits on what I can control. I can’t decide when concerts and movies will be open again, but I can do jumping jacks, sprints, high-knees, and Spider-Man planks in a circuit until I puke.

I won’t have a date who takes me to the beach this summer but I will have a flat tummy and heat in my bones.

unbalanced

My posture must be so bad because I’m in a perpetual state of picking myself back up and dusting myself off.

I am so reckless in every aspect of my life, I don’t know how to focus on anything because I’m focusing on everything. I worked so hard at my job that in the process I forgot to decorate my apartment for a year.

I’m skeptical of the validity of zodiac signs because technically I’m a Libra, the sign of the scales, and yet I’m so awfully unbalanced at everything I do.

I love so hard or not at all. I either feel amazing and happy or worried and anxious. I will not trust you for a long while and then I will trust you so completely. I fall head over heels in love in an instant and I will daydream about someone for hours, until halfway through the day I’m really, really over it.

One half of the day I’m thinking of the delicate angle of his jaw, analyzing why his left middle finger doesn’t straighten all the way (probably a gym injury? we’ve known eachother for a week and I know he loves the gym, and I know him with my heart), thinking about the different colors in his eyes. The next half I’m thinking about how annoying it is to feel anything and how disappointing it is to know that I will most likely be disappointed because I build people up too highly in my mind and it never ends well so I have just let it go.

I crash and I burn and I get embarrassed so often. My posture must be so bad because I’m in a perpetual state of picking myself back up and dusting myself off.

I can’t read books in chapters, I have to read them in their entirety in one sitting or I won’t retain anything.

I was asked what kind of music I listen to recently and I didn’t know how to explain that at this point in time I am solely focused on listening to female rock artists and that even though I don’t love every song on Hayley Williams’ new solo album just give me time and I will grow to love each one.

I will do my makeup and hair, put on a nice dress, color coordinate it with a purse, and not do my dishes except for my favorite mug for a week.

I love movies because they’re perfect for two hours and they stay perfect (the same goes for music and books).

I think if I really made a good effort I could ruin every single relationship I have with people in two hours tops. Sometimes I’m tempted to, just to see what would happen.

I’m destructive to myself but I am also so protective of my heart. I have learned to take potential love slowly because in my mind it has already gone so fast. Sometimes I get the two confused and I end up doubting whether a connection really exists and I decide it’s safer to let it go, stay alone.

I want to take sexy pictures, flirt devilishly and not care, but I have to feel safe first. How can you be risky and safe at the same time?

I’m so either/or and never both but I feel like I’m always trying to be.

waking up on a rainy day

you roll yourself out of bed and you crave a coffee or a tea, something to warm up your chest against the chilly air.
you get dressed carefully, delicately pulling layers on like petals against the elements, keeping your warmth to yourself like a secret.

the daylight creeps in gently, and you are gentle with it. it’s the best time to be silent and the best time to think.

you open the door and feel the rush of cold air hit your skin. your breath comes so easily, and rushes in so deeply.

the rain droplets hit your palm two baker’s dozen at a time.

waking up to rain feels like the earth is saying be new today, start fresh. today especially has so much in store for you, but you must first brace yourself against the cold. baby steps for giant leaps.

what other time do you begin your day by hugging yourself so closely and trusting so much to keep yourself warm? when else do you rely on your heart to beat steadily against the outside world?

I love waking up to rain. I love starting my day by myself and loving that I can do it.

give yourself a time out.

a metaphor using a shattered jar of pickles, and feeling bad about bad friends.

I have to give myself a break sometimes. I work hard, take on big projects at work, and I still make time for my friends.

But not everyone is going to do that for you! Read it again, with the exclamation point. Yell it a little in your mind.

Let it sink in like a little piece of glass from a jar of pickles you dropped three weeks ago and thought you had cleaned up completely until you decide to go to the kitchen and get a lil snack and a microscopic shard of glass stabs you right in the middle of your foot.

You can’t even get mad about it because at the end of that day, the only person that is affected is you. You dropped the jar of pickles. You didn’t clean up enough.

You picked your friends and asked them not to bring up a stupid guy you kissed or asked them to be on time but you know when you picked them to stay in your life that they liked to heckle you or were not the most reliable.

So instead of getting mad or getting hurt, give yourself a time out. A period of time, maybe a week maybe a month, where you grow a little. Spend time with other friends, with family, take a weekend vacation by yourself, buy yourself the kind of wine you would give to your boss for a holiday, and bench yourself.

In that time, grow. Choose something else to focus your energy on.

There’s still a chance that you’re going to drop another jar of pickles, but I promise that you’ll always be more careful when handling glass. And that’s just how it’s gotta be sometimes, but at least you’re prepared and hopefully it doesn’t bother you as much next time.

on being spiteful

The thing about being spiteful is you really only end up hurting yourself. Put down the can of Spite.

I think one of the main reasons why I have achieved what I have achieved is not something to be proud of. I am a person who works better when I am trying to prove something. I am a person that works harder because I don’t ever want to be a victim of anything.

I am a spiteful person.

When somebody does something to you and you get hurt, I think you get to choose whether you use that moment to propel you forward or to set you back.

I, like most people, have been burned a lot. By friends, by boyfriends, by coworkers, and family. But I don’t know whether how I handle it is entirely healthy. I tend to internalize things and out of spite I decide that I need to work hard to prove that I didn’t deserve that treatment.

I have a family member that lives to bring people down. They don’t put any effort into their own wellbeing or personal growth but they love to bash everyone else and judge everyone else for their actions. They lie, cheat, steal, and use other people and never care at all about how it effects the people that love them.

You could get recognized for something cool at work or at school, and they’d say it only happened because you’re a suckup or you got lucky. They know how to push your buttons just right because it’s the only thing they’re good at, the only skill they’ve applied themselves to. And I could write a whole other essay about how shitty saying someone is only successful because they “got lucky” is.

My response to that kind of behavior has been to prove that I can and will be better than that. I worked twice as hard, literally at two jobs, while they did drugs and insulted the family members we lived with. I got accepted to every college I applied for while they got denied, and I felt good.

I know you aren’t supposed to compare yourself to other people, and that’s my biggest flaw. For all of my virtues, for every time that I don’t lie, cheat, or steal, I make myself feel empowered by comparing myself to the people I know that do.

I dated someone that struggled to get a career doing what he loved, and my response after he dumped me was to get my dream job. Instead of working through the pain of a breakup, I worked for an entire year to make sure that I was nowhere in the same league of success as him. I wish I would have taken the time to grieve, to be sad and angry, because those emotions came later. They all flooded back like fresh wounds after I got what I wanted, and I kept cyberstalking him to make sure that he was still a loser and that what I did was worth it.

I thought that if he ever saw me again or looked at my social media profiles, he would see how much better I was doing and it would hurt and annoy him. I want my family member to look at my life and see that their life doesn’t shine as brightly because they are a pitch black pit of negativity. For all the pain they cause my family and me, I want to send it back harder with my success.

I hate flakiness and when my friends don’t follow through with their plans, so I set weird timelines for not looking at their snapchat stories, not replying to their texts, and not making plans with them. I asked you to go with me to an event two weeks ahead of time and you cancelled the day of? See you in six months, and don’t expect a text back from me until after I went to that cool new place you’ve been wanting to go to.

If I wasn’t so spiteful maybe I could stop and slow down and enjoy the life I have built. Maybe I would have more friends and be less successful, and maybe that would be okay. Maybe I’d be happier?

I’ve been trying to work on finding other reasons to push myself. I have been trying to stop comparing myself to other people and make time to stop and appreciate what I already have.

Being a spiteful person is mentally taxing. Because I don’t say spiteful things, or lash out at people to hurt them, in fact I really don’t think anyone would call me a spiteful person at all. But I do it all internally, and at the end of the day the only person who gets harmed is me. It’s very passive aggressive.

This is hard to write, and harder to come to terms with. I hope someone else out there feels like this and has a strategy to battle it. How do you deal with comparing yourself to others, and how do you motivate yourself in a healthy way?

on pink coffin-shaped nails

I think, like horoscopes, that there is a little bit of all of this in every woman. What part of your personality do your nails highlight?

Getting your nails done gives you control, power, and a show of your individualism.

You pick the color, the shape, the length, the medium. You pick based on how you feel, what you want the world to know about you, what you want the cashier at the store to see when you hand them your payment.

What do your nails say about you?

Image courtesy of Mashable Infographics.

Let’s start at the beginning. What shape are you going for today?

Square and squoval nails are straightforward. I see them on a businesswoman with a family, someone who cares about herself but doesn’t want to sacrifice the functionality of her hands. A mom who wants to be able to play catch with her kids without breaking a nail, and types on a keyboard all day on the office without drawing too much attention to the clacking of the keys.

Round, oval, and almond nails are for old souls. A girl that wears a red lip as an accessory to any outfit. She’s refined, well-spoken, and always orders the same drink at the bar (with a straw of course). She has an animal that she’s very close to, and animals like her. She likes when things look nice, and comes off as organized and put together but her car is a mess.

Coffin nails are for women who talk with their hands. She gets excited easily, and has a few things that she is very passionate about. She likes to show off a little, can be called dramatic, but she makes the best secret keeper. This is the girl that breaks hearts but only a little bit on purpose.

Stiletto nails are for that bitch. She watches beauty tutorials on YouTube, or maybe she has her own content channel. She always smells good and gives everybody advice that she never takes herself. She’s always aware of the newest trends, but she only chooses to follow things that suit her. She definitely has a tattoo somewhere, and it probably has a cool meaning behind it.

Image courtesy of COSCELIA Nail Varnish.

Time to pick your color. There’s always a big book or key ring of plastic nails to flip through and this decision has heavy implications about who you are.

A solid red is sexy. It says everything you need it to. There’s a power behind every hand gesture, and a promise. Red reminds me of the lady from the movie Holes that painted her nails with snake venom.

A solid white is for a girl that is funny on Twitter, but pretty calm in real life. She takes a lot of pictures. White nails look good every day of the year, but they also need to be refreshed more often. It’s expensive to keep up but it’s worth the luxury.

Fun colors like teal, purple, color-changing show that you like to have fun. If you can get your nails done every two weeks you might as well try every color. You probably get the newest drink at Starbucks just to try it. Fearless.

Getting one sparkly nail evokes a little bit of fun, but it’s like a little secret. Catch me if you can. Getting a full set of sparkly nails is wild and I don’t trust you but I bet you own either two disco balls or two diamonds. The B.D.E. of a woman with a full set of sparkly nails is off the charts.

A girl that goes in with a design has anxiety. She took a screenshot of nails she spent an hour going through Pinterest choosing, but she didn’t trust the internet connection in the nail salon to pull up her picture so she screenshotted it and while waiting for her name to be called she had the picture pulled up and made sure the screen wouldn’t lock when she showed it to the nail tech.

Who are you this time? I think, like horoscopes, that there is a little bit of all of this in every woman. But what nails you choose say a lot about what part of your personality you want to highlight at that time.

This week I am medium-length, pink coffin-shaped gel acrylics. And it feels good.

Little things to love that aren’t love

I’ve never had a valentine, so when Valentine’s Day comes up every year I don’t tend to think about being in love with somebody or wishing I had somebody I was in love with. Instead, I like to think about all the things I love and make a list.

getting complimented on your work
trying a new drink at a coffee shop
finding a new favorite author
getting to the last chapter of a book
listening to an entire album start to finish
cleaning your apartment before leaving on a trip and coming back to it
watching a vine/tiktok compilation on YouTube and every single one was funny
having an inside joke with a friend
learning how to cook something new
pets greeting you when you come home
when you can’t predict the end of a movie or tv show and get surprised
getting your hair cut and washed at the salon
finding the perfect new perfume
asking for help at a store and the sales clerk is knowledgeable and friendly
walking the two mile loop at a regional park
helping somebody without them knowing
hearing a good phone voice
singing happy birthday to someone
catching up with an old friend
getting tagged in a good meme
being right about someone
using a good pen
getting useful advice
a really, really good sneeze
rinsing off a face mask and patting your skin afterwards
going to the beach when it isn’t crowded
discovering a great new restaurant
waking up feeling rested before your alarm goes off
finding something you thought you lost or forgot you had
donating and clearing out clothes and old items
fixing something by yourself
putting something you’ve learned into practice
seeing results from your workout or diet plan
going to bed early or sleeping in
petting a cat’s tummy without it attacking you
picking the winning team or award nominee
sitting down next to someone while they play piano
feeding carrots to animals
lighting a candle on a rainy day
feeling the dip on a rollercoaster
hiking up to a high point and looking down
going to a place where the night sky is clear and you can see constellations

It’s not always about letting one person be your whole life, but it is always about you being one person for your whole life. You get one lifetime to soak all the things you love up, so I hope you do something on your little love list this week, no matter how big or small.