Tag: anger

shark week hoo ha ha

Can we just, as people who experience periods, get a pass sometimes to act irrationally because periods suck and feel bad and they make you feel alone and ostracized because for whatever goddamn reason it’s still taboo to talk about.

I had car trouble on the second day of my period. Then I got some really bad news, and you can imagine how that went.

If you don’t know, the first 24 hours after the onset of your period are the worst for cramps and hormone levels. It truly is like the gates of the underworld have opened in your uterus and the hounds of hell are running around ragdolling the shit out of your insides. Maybe a less graphic description is the scene in Spongebob where the little worker Spongebobs in his brain are short circuiting and there is a fire and sheer panic because they threw out his name and can’t remember. Instead of WE THREW OUT HIS NAME! it’s WE MUST SHED THE EGG!

In summary, there is a lot of blood and there are a lot of emotions.

I felt very alone, which I am usually fine with. I like being alone, and I like doing things by myself. But not on that night. I hate feeling powerless. I hate hate hate asking for help.

I’m waiting for my tire to be fixed, trying to stand still and listen while it feels like a melon baller is scooping out my insides. The guy is asking me questions about how long I drove on the flat tire, and what caused it, and I’m trying to swallow my nausea before I answer.

I’m also wondering what time exactly did I put my tampon in because if it was noon then I won’t die from toxic shock syndrome, probably. Hopefully. And I’m angry. So angry because why don’t we have anything better yet? Why does the only thing that actually works and isn’t uncomfortable, the tampon, have to have such a huge risk of death. Why isn’t there an option that doesn’t make you feel like you’re wearing a blood-soaked diaper, or risk actual death, or worse, smell like blood?? I was angry and I was having the worst cramps I’ve had in a while.

I felt flight-or-flight-y, and my eyes were filled with tears but I didn’t want to let them go because I knew people would think it’s because I couldn’t handle a flat tire but I just couldn’t handle it on top of my bad news on top of the worst day of my period. I didn’t want to be the girl that cries because she’s on her period. And my back hurts and my boobs are sore and I got a zit from hormonal fucking acne.

I would like to have whatever causes that – prostaglandins? estrogen? progesterone? – removed.

I was like how on earth could I be expected to deal with this news and get my car fixed while I’m publicly bleeding out? Can I get a stunt double, because this sucks.

And people will go ewwww and gross like half of the population doesn’t experience this once a month and put on a fake smile and do everything that the other half of the population does while the lining of one of their organs is literally shedding itself and pouring out of their bodies.

Fuck those commercials where the ladies are playing tennis and smiling and jumping around like having a rolled up plastic time bomb up their bajingos is so fun, so convenient. I want to take my boobs off, put them on a hanger, and go get a facial and a massage because my back is killing me and this zit is basically a second head. I want to destroy the Pyramids of Giza in sweatpants with a hot water bottle duct taped to my stomach and eat an entire cheesecake after with my bare hands.

limitations: working out and throwing up

HIIT me.

This morning I woke up at 5 a.m. and instead of going back to sleep I threw on some workout clothes and started a HIIT routine.

I didn’t eat dinner last night and I started a 2 week shred routine from Chloe Ting, which is such a guood workout if you want to try something new. (All of her workouts are free and I’ve seen a lot of results, here’s a link.)

I pushed a little too hard (read: way too hard) and I ended up throwing up and feeling awful. Then I was so mad at myself for not being able to handle it that I started the whole thing over and almost passed out at the end.

I’m feeling restless (because of the pandemic) and there’s nothing else to do. None of the things I like to do are available to me any more. I’m throwing myself into testing my limits and I’m throwing up and getting angry and repeating it twice a day.

I tried to distract myself in so many different ways – people, music, projects. But there’s nothing like exerting yourself physically over something and letting out all of the emotions you’ve built up.

I’m mixing it up with different types of workouts. I hate running and yet I’m running until the sweat stings my eyes and all I can hear is my heartbeat swelling in my ears. It’s like I’m running because I hate running and right now I hate a lot of things so it makes sense for me to do it and use it as fuel. The only difference right now is that I’m not really feeling better I just keep getting angrier and I don’t know why that is.

I’ve reached my limit on other things so I’m pushing my limits on what I can control. I can’t decide when concerts and movies will be open again, but I can do jumping jacks, sprints, high-knees, and Spider-Man planks in a circuit until I puke.

I won’t have a date who takes me to the beach this summer but I will have a flat tummy and heat in my bones.