Tag: COVID-19

passionately, not reasonably

Do you really love me? Much?

Passionately, not reasonably?

Virginia Woolf, letter to Vita Sackville-West
December 29, 1928

I have been working so hard to better myself this year, in just about every way. I am working toward things I don’t want to jinx by writing out.

I’m trying to stay in the present as much as possible and not focus too much on outcomes. I want to enjoy the things that are good now, and not be impatient. I am happy, now.

I am not yet where I want to be, and I believe by the end of July I will be. I think in 6 weeks I will be much better than I am now. In 9 weeks I will be even better.

By the time I’m 24 I think my life will be a lot different, with more to balance. But more is good, it means my life is fuller.

I know it because I’m working so hard towards it all. It’s inevitable, unless something that I can’t plan against happens. If you put in the work you will get the reward, and I refuse to listen to people who say otherwise.

It is both passionate and reasonable to chase after everything I want and earn it all and love the moments in between the beginning and the goal.

social distancing championship winner

Not to brag, but I’d say I’m pretty good at social distancing. I guess you could say I’m a pioneer in the field, a social distancing architect, the championship winner before there was a championship to win.

I have already set my boundaries with people. I cancel most plans to do some act of self care, and I always listen more than I speak. I don’t love touching unless it’s from someone I really feel connected to.

The fewer interactions a week with my friends that I have, the longer my relationships tend to last. Probably because I do something I call the “shooting star effect,” where I impulsively dive into a new friendship or relationship and invest all of my shiny new love and happiness into it until it bursts like a shooting star across the sky.

Much like shooting stars, the relationship ends as abruptly as it began and I am left with beautiful, idealized memories for years to come. It’s why I feel nothing but love for my exes; what else was there to feel?

I see my oldest friends rarely, and talk to them sporadically. My real talent lies in absorbing everything I can out of a new relationship as quickly as possible and then convincing myself I would rather be anywhere else at the drop of a hat.

A self-saboteur? Or an angel investor? Introvert or extrovert?

limitations: working out and throwing up

HIIT me.

This morning I woke up at 5 a.m. and instead of going back to sleep I threw on some workout clothes and started a HIIT routine.

I didn’t eat dinner last night and I started a 2 week shred routine from Chloe Ting, which is such a guood workout if you want to try something new. (All of her workouts are free and I’ve seen a lot of results, here’s a link.)

I pushed a little too hard (read: way too hard) and I ended up throwing up and feeling awful. Then I was so mad at myself for not being able to handle it that I started the whole thing over and almost passed out at the end.

I’m feeling restless (because of the pandemic) and there’s nothing else to do. None of the things I like to do are available to me any more. I’m throwing myself into testing my limits and I’m throwing up and getting angry and repeating it twice a day.

I tried to distract myself in so many different ways – people, music, projects. But there’s nothing like exerting yourself physically over something and letting out all of the emotions you’ve built up.

I’m mixing it up with different types of workouts. I hate running and yet I’m running until the sweat stings my eyes and all I can hear is my heartbeat swelling in my ears. It’s like I’m running because I hate running and right now I hate a lot of things so it makes sense for me to do it and use it as fuel. The only difference right now is that I’m not really feeling better I just keep getting angrier and I don’t know why that is.

I’ve reached my limit on other things so I’m pushing my limits on what I can control. I can’t decide when concerts and movies will be open again, but I can do jumping jacks, sprints, high-knees, and Spider-Man planks in a circuit until I puke.

I won’t have a date who takes me to the beach this summer but I will have a flat tummy and heat in my bones.