feeling a lil reckless lately

I am so reckless in every aspect of my life, I don’t know how to focus on anything because I’m focusing on everything. I worked so hard at my job that in the process I forgot to decorate my apartment for a year.

I’m skeptical of the validity of zodiac signs because technically I’m a Libra, the sign of the scales, and yet I’m so awfully unbalanced at everything I do.

I love so hard or not at all. I either feel amazing and happy or worried and anxious. I will not trust you for a long while and then I will trust you so completely. I fall head over heels in love in an instant and I will daydream about someone for hours, until halfway through the day I’m really, really over it.

One half of the day I’m thinking of the delicate angle of his jaw, analyzing why his left middle finger doesn’t straighten all the way (probably a gym injury? we’ve known eachother for a week and I know he loves the gym, and I know him with my heart), thinking about the different colors in his eyes. The next half I’m thinking about how annoying it is to feel anything and how disappointing it is to know that I will most likely be disappointed because I build people up too highly in my mind and it never ends well so I have just let it go.

I crash and I burn and I get embarrassed so often. My posture must be so bad because I’m in a perpetual state of picking myself back up and dusting myself off.

I can’t read books in chapters, I have to read them in their entirety in one sitting or I won’t retain anything.

I was asked what kind of music I listen to recently and I didn’t know how to explain that at this point in time I am solely focused on listening to female rock artists and that even though I don’t love every song on Hayley Williams’ new solo album just give me time and I will grow to love each one.

I will do my makeup and hair, put on a nice dress, color coordinate it with a purse, and not do my dishes except for my favorite mug for a week.

I love movies because they’re perfect for two hours and they stay perfect (the same goes for music and books).

I think if I really made a good effort I could ruin every single relationship I have with people in two hours tops. Sometimes I’m tempted to, just to see what would happen.

I’m destructive to myself but I am also so protective of my heart. I have learned to take potential love slowly because in my mind it has already gone so fast. Sometimes I get the two confused and I end up doubting whether a connection really exists and I decide it’s safer to let it go, stay alone.

I want to take sexy pictures, flirt devilishly and not care, but I have to feel safe first. How can you be risky and safe at the same time?

I’m so either/or and never both but I feel like I’m always trying to be.