So much of my time is spent photographing others, writing on behalf of others, and using a different voice to portray a certain message. I have found it hard to really know myself because I focus so much on everyone else.
It is easy for me to pick someone apart by listening carefully and paying attention to their responses and the things they say and do not say. I am an expert understander.
It is not easy for me to put into words how I feel about things, maybe because I am not often asked. I am the asker.
Lately I’ve been asking myself how I can open up more and trying to mirror the vulnerability of others. I write so much, and sometimes feel so in tune with myself, but I don’t know if I have ever truly shared that with someone else. I don’t think I’ve ever voiced my deepest darkest thoughts and hopes and dreams and fears, and I don’t remember ever wanting in such a precise way before.
I have kept me close to me, worn my emotions and complexities like a tight second skin. I wrap myself around myself around myself around myself like a snake coiling and ready to strike in case someone tries to get too close.
But what am I protecting myself from? Where did I learn this behavior?
How do I put the fangs away and unravel myself, now that I want to let someone really know me?
This is what I’ve been trying to do, I am currently in the pursuit of being known by someone that I want so badly to know me. To like me for me, and isn’t that all that anybody has ever asked for?
Virginia Woolf, letter to Vita Sackville-West December 29, 1928
I have been working so hard to better myself this year, in just about every way. I am working toward things I don’t want to jinx by writing out.
I’m trying to stay in the present as much as possible and not focus too much on outcomes. I want to enjoy the things that are good now, and not be impatient. I am happy, now.
I am not yet where I want to be, and I believe by the end of July I will be. I think in 6 weeks I will be much better than I am now. In 9 weeks I will be even better.
By the time I’m 24 I think my life will be a lot different, with more to balance. But more is good, it means my life is fuller.
I know it because I’m working so hard towards it all. It’s inevitable, unless something that I can’t plan against happens. If you put in the work you will get the reward, and I refuse to listen to people who say otherwise.
It is both passionate and reasonable to chase after everything I want and earn it all and love the moments in between the beginning and the goal.
A person can be defined by their experiences. Their understandings of those experiences, their reactions to those experiences, the conclusions they draw from them, what they learn from them. Their thought process, the kind of relationships they maintain with others, their character, the way they speak.
I’m the melting sea caps pouring into the ocean.
Probably more closely is that I’m defrosting like a frozen chicken.
I feel really good things are on the way, are here already. I am living with high stakes and high payouts.
I am best friends with the block button and the read receipt. One of my shoulders is always cold.
I feel like it’s a self-preservation thing instead of a confidence thing, because when someone I don’t care about does something I don’t like I almost always immediately fling them to the depths of The Blocked. Ex: the first week I got a Twitter I blocked Chrissy Teigen. It felt good.
When someone I do care about does something (not small) that I don’t like I have to activate my logical checks and balances system and go down my Checklist To Keep People In My Life & Not Be Dramatic. Ex: I have been known to temporarily ground my best friends from my life. One of my friends kept repeatedly saying something I didn’t like and I asked him many times to stop and on the fourth time I didn’t talk to him or interact for four months. It felt fair to me. It was dramatic.
The checklist includes:
How do I feel? How should I feel?
What do I want to do? What should I do?
What can I do? What are my options?
What will I do?
Most of the time it’s always better to underreact. I can always ramp up the reaction later but honestly, it usually just makes me feel bad and I’m in the business of making myself feel great and not bad.
Count to ten, drink a glass of water, whatever it takes to not strike the match that ignites my fiery little heart.
The holidays scare away all the boys who only want to come over after 10:36 p.m. They don’t return until after the yucky cuffing and cuddling season is over, until the fireworks are in the air and it’s a new year so the coast is clear!!! The Women Are Over Their Need To Have A Fulfilling Relationship. We Are Safe Until October.
They’ll be the first to wish you happy new year and the first to swipe up on your selfies and reply on Snapchat. They’ll even send you a DM of your own Instagram picture and tell you how delicious you look (because you do!) but they won’t comment publicly. Of course not.
One will tell you how much he missed you and how busy he was, and you’ll think Really? Busy in the middle of this pandemic, even? Wow gosh gee whiz. How surprising! Except for the part where it isn’t surprising because it never is. This would be the third chance you’ve given him to suddenly fall in love with you and not just use you like a blowup doll. Do you think the third time’s a charm?
One will say he just used this time to really focus on work, and you’ll ask Oh well have you become very successful then? Have you lived up to your big talk about how much money you can make? And he will say this new year looks very promising, very lucrative, and can you send a picture?
One will say he shut everybody out, it’s not just you. He barely talked to his friends, even. He’s so sorry about that. So so sorry, it wasn’t cool. So can he come over? He can’t stop thinking about your body.
What about a personal favorite of mine, he has really grown so much this past year. He’s so thankful for everything, and hopes you are too. He hopes you want to hear about how much he has bettered himself. He knows his path, but he forgot your address, can you send it so he can come in 30 minutes to just hang out and catch up? In bed?
Getting a cute little Snapchat when you’re drinking a glass of wine alone watching a movie that says “ha ha ha ha ha get drunker and send cleavage pics“ should make you throw up in your mouth and hit block. Do it, I dare you. I double dog dare you.
Then hold up your wine tumbler that keeps the rosé cold and cheers to how great your cleavage will look in the face of the actual man who loves you, when that happens. SPOILER ALERT: it will happen, and it will happen so good. Cheers to the dirty dirty dirty sex you’ll have with a man you didn’t give it up to until you were exclusive. And fucking cheers to saying goodbye to these losers and waiting for a little thing called true love, baby!
My god, a moment of bliss. Why, isn’t that enough for a whole lifetime?
Fyodor Dostoevsky, White Nights
I feel like I spent the past year setting up dominoes for hours and hours (read: months and months) and now it’s finally time to knock the first domino over and watch everything that I so carefully planned fall into place.
Some things aren’t an explosive firework result, but more like a steady match. Maybe most things. A slow and steady burn yields better results than a wild blaze.
It’s easy to come up with dreams and live them out in your head. But how revolutionary it is to bring them to fruition and see them manifest.
Now, after waiting and plowing and sowing and watering, I feel like I’m seeing the sprouts grow. The foundation was laid, the work is done.
I think I’m going to let myself be excited. Let myself get my hopes up because I worked for it, goddamnit. I worked so hard for so many months and then I got to rest for a bit and now we’re back with new challenges but I’m excited to face them because I know I can. (read: I KNOW I CAN.)
I just finished my to-do list and it’s time to make a new one.
I wish someone would tell me what to do sometimes. Like hey, we reviewed your file and decided that based on 100% reliable facts and science that you definitely should stay and be safe. The world is your oyster and will deliver you all of the opportunities you want and you will never want for anything more. Here’s a coupon to Bath and Body, go get a nice relaxing candle because you deserve it!
OR!
Hey, we have predicted that you’re going to zoom up up up in life but ONLY if you leave now it’s a one night only blowout sale for your amazing future the prices are unbeatable everything must go and everything means YOU! Hasta la vista baby enjoy your dream life! You are a fucking monolith of immutable force, eat up the world and consume the stars.
It’s supposed to be the time to grow and I don’t want to mess up and shrink.
For New Years’ Eve I had two friends over and we went to a Total Wine store and bought a bunch of mini liquors, drank way too much, and played Taio Cruz, old Drake, Kanye, Jason Derulo, Evanescence, Panic! at the Disco, Fall Out Boy, that really sad song from Up, and just danced to all of it. We danced for hours and celebrated countdowns for New York, Los Angeles, Papua New Guinea, Alaska, and Hawaii. It was so much fun, and I was thinking today about how I never dance like that.
And by that I mean I totally learned how to do the goth rave dance and laughed so hard I thought I was going to collapse. Please watch the video so you too can have the best time ever with your friends while drinking mini bottles of peppermint vodka (yuck!) and limoncello (yum!).
Nothing says New Years vibes like goth dancing to the song “Married Life” from the critically-acclaimed film Up.
I wish my vision was 20/20. Please read that in every possible way you can conceive.
I guess I have some goals, and I’m not one of those people that gets upset over New Year’s Resolutions. I like holidays and events and I like that we put so much meaning on the beginning of a new year, especially since this one is the beginning of a new decade!
I was 12 in 2010, and obviously a lot has happened. But it feels like I was still doing the same steps that you’re “supposed” to do, like finish high school, graduate from college, get a big girl job, move out, blah blah.
In 2030 I’ll be 32 and it’s funny how that number seems so far away. This is the decade where all the cool stuff that wasn’t all planned out for me is going to happen. I could potentially fall in love, get married, adopt a nice 3-year-old, and who knows what else? Or I could, you know, not do any of that and that’s okay too! I could really kick it out of the ballpark touchdown goal and do really well in my career and end up a PR Goddess like Samantha Jones from Sex and the City. Who knows. Not me.
I want all of that to happen, but I think it’s best if we take it one year, month, week, day at a time.
My 2020 goals are:
Get more skilled at my job and move a step up in my career
Learn how to cook
Read a lot
Write a lot
Figure out a diet/exercise plan that works for me
More music!
I’m going to a cool training next week for media relations and they’re going to teach me how to give an on-camera interview which I am so so so excited for!! I can finally start being the C.J. Cregg of my dreams and at least have a certificate that says I can answer press questions on camera. I just hope they can teach me how to stay cool and calm like a real PR Goddess.
What’s that? Oh you need me to host a press conference? Not a problem. I keep translucent powder in my purse just for last-minute moments like this.
I can’t cook for shit, and that’s a Fact. Everything I make turns out too cold or burned, so I stick to my tried and true Trader Joe’s microwavable meals and a handy lil guy called Mr. Crock Pot. But this year, I’m going to start learning how. My kitchen is the size of my closet, which is great for my closet but not great for my kitchen. Priorities. I need to learn how to utilize the lack of space and dedicate some time into learning the craft.
I think I only read like 15 books in 2019, which for me is slacking. I need to get that library card renewed and jump back in. I love books so much, but it felt like this year reading was hard. I don’t know why, because as soon as I sit down and actually read I feel so good and zen, but getting myself to read was hard. Not this year.
I have a bunch of ideas for books, and I am the worst person ever because I will talk for hours about a really great book I’d love to write and never put down a single word. I’ve filled out seven journals in my life, and this past year I think I literally wrote maybe 30 pages. This year we are going to be Writers. Then maybe next year I can learn how to pitch a book to a publishing company! One year at a time!
I started the Warrior Diet last week, which is actually feeling pretty good. Fast for 20 hours, then eat all your day’s calories in a single four hour time period. I like that I know I can eat pretty much whatever I want and not have to worry about overdoing it. I ate a whole can of Spaghetti-O’s today, for example, and I feel great about it. I’m also pretty sure that’s not how this diet works, but when I become a great chef I’ll make balanced meals.
I had the day off from work today, so I found a beautiful park with a lake and a nice 2-mile trail that wraps around it. I think I’ll feel a lot better exercising outside and breathing Fresh Air than cooping myself inside of Planet Fitness with all of the other New Year’s Resolutioners.
I’m listening to Harry Styles’ new album Fine Line, and I just felt super inspired to play more of my own guitar and have fun singing. I need to listen to more music, go to some live shows, and dance! More dancing in 2020. 2020 better be one big cybergoth dance party.
If you’re reading this I hope you have an excellent 2020 full of lots of good moments and that you get one big surprise that you didn’t even think you wanted but it happens and it makes you so happy you get inspired to do something great.
Prattle Peach 