Tag: heartblog

hasta la vista baby! enjoy your dream life

I wish someone would tell me what to do sometimes. Like hey, we reviewed your file and decided that based on 100% reliable facts and science that you definitely should stay and be safe. The world is your oyster and will deliver you all of the opportunities you want and you will never want for anything more. Here’s a coupon to Bath and Body, go get a nice relaxing candle because you deserve it!

OR!

Hey, we have predicted that you’re going to zoom up up up in life but ONLY if you leave now it’s a one night only blowout sale for your amazing future the prices are unbeatable everything must go and everything means YOU! Hasta la vista baby enjoy your dream life! You are a fucking monolith of immutable force, eat up the world and consume the stars.

It’s supposed to be the time to grow and I don’t want to mess up and shrink.

the heart rate of a mouse

But where’s the sweat? The blood? Life isn’t about smiles and forced politeness. Life is raw, it’s meant to leave marks on you.

Over the Tracks

A beach at night, without a moon. And me and you. The salt burned you right out of my eyes. Remedy clouds listlessly sailing through the night hid the words out of our mouths from our eyes. We were all newborns with blurred vision and no sense of direction.

Am I missing home or am I missing me.

I sleep in a cotton-scented coffin with mediocre dreams; seven days a week I fall back into vampire sleep.

This is why I push so hard. To see every outcome to its end.

I am closure in a red dress. I may never get this chance again.

Is it my jaw that is locked or is it your (E and F) dun-nuh-duh-nuh (or maybe F and F sharp) Jaws that are Locked.

You don’t have to lose me. You already did. At least enough to keep me smiling from San Francisco to San Diego.

It’s for lovers, orjustfriends.

I don’t want to keep you I want to win.

Timing and direction

I looked for someone to fall in love with and all I got was a quick-talking new friend who is maybe as smart as he thinks he is.

I think everything happens for a reason, and we meet the people we are supposed to meet for a purpose. I could never date someone who expected life to just work out 50/50 all the time, but I can be friends with just about anyone. Read: I like the way you talk pointedly but you never kissed me.

I love an ambitious, smart man just ask much as the next girl but who is more emotionally intelligent – the accountant or a bag of carrots? Read: I wish you would have kissed me so I would have known if there was (a lack of?) something there.

I’m not necessarily private about my life but I do not bring up anything about myself unless directly asked. Read: Did you know I got into all of the universities you covet and did you know I have twice the ambition of your jobless, immature ex?

But I’m always a good listener, and you can talk an ear off. I think you spoke for us both too soon. I am cool, and I am much more. But you’ll never know now because we’re going to become the best of friends and I will always keep you at an arm’s distance. You’ll never know anything concrete about me, but if you did, I bet you’d fall to your knees and your glasses would fall off your face from the shock. Read: I hope the pavement tastes like regret, like trying to text me after revealing too much.

Maybe if you’d went in another direction. Maybe if it was a different time.

1 a.m.

I met three men over the past three months and spent one month each with them, dipping my summer feet into their iced over swimming pools.

I know that I idealize everything, especially romance. I can create a spark out of nothing, but since it’s not real it never keeps me warm.

I had a birthday and turned 23 and there was no boy who belonged to me sitting across my table singing with my friends. I don’t belong to anyone, which is a wild and freeing thing, but also so lonely.

Why doesn’t anyone ever work out for me? I only think this rarely, like now, when I can’t bring myself to fall asleep.

I know I have years to give but I feel like I’ve been chipping away at it these past few months. Give me one good movie kiss and I’ll give you my whole entire heart on a platter served just the way you like it.

I’m tired of hoping for this one to be the right one, and I wonder if I would be happier if I just gave up trying to find love. I have plenty of love. I have friends and family and a job that I am so happy at, but I crave being held sometimes. Kissing hello, kissing goodbye, and knowing another hello will come soon. If I was kissed today the odds would be slim that the same lips would grace mine ever again because they never stay long.

I fall in love for a month and it throws me under the bus. I don’t even think I fall in love with the person, but the idea that this person could be it!!!!! I wish I could keep my mouth shut to my friends about who I was dating because then they wouldn’t be so sorry for me when I tell them he never replied (again).

I wish I could staple my feelings into my foot and stomp on them every day until they died.

I wish I wasn’t so filled with longing all the time. I feel like I’m in the dark, reaching in front of me for something to hold on to and I just keep swinging my hands around aimlessly. Always reaching but never touching. Will I realize there is nothing there? Or will I just keep reaching forever?

I am so tired. I have work tomorrow. I have to make myself sleep.

heart attacks and Kerouac

I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.

On the Road, Jack Kerouac

*record scratch* I bet you’re wondering how I got here.

I’m feeling the writing bug again and hope to soon search for an artist I can commission to create the cover of my book. I have to first write much more of it than I have already.

I feel like I’ve done so many things this past month, like I’m learning too much at once but I also feel suspended.

I need a vacation but I also need to not catch a virus/pandemic. I feel like I’m yearning for a trip to Somewhere New with Someone Special. Is it okay to ask someone out on a trip for a date? Can’t we just stargaze from the deck of a cabin on top of a mountain while I learn what you do for a living and why you hate it?

I don’t want to date anybody anymore, and at the same time I keep wishing I was already in a relationship. I don’t want to be dipping my toes in the water at the 3 ft. part of the pool, I want to be at the point where I’m doing laps. Can we fast forward to the part where everything is easy?

I don’t know what I need or what I want. I don’t know. I do not know. I have nothing to offer anybody right now, except my own confusion.

invasion of privacy

How are we ever supposed to care about somebody when we’re so busy pretending not to care?

It’s cliche and overdone, but I want to go to the Louvre next year. I will either walk into the museum with my hand firmly planted into the palm of someone else’s hand, or I will walk in alone and happy. I want to explore Paris, in love. Maybe I’ll be with a beautiful tall man or maybe I will be with my beautiful tall self and either way I will be in love.

I think I set up these big brick walls so that nobody would ever make me feel vulnerable again and it’s just resulted in hours upon hours of boring small talk that makes me feel small when I am capable of big intelligent interesting conversations that leave me with more questions than when I started.

I want to commit an act of invasion of privacy. I don’t want to hear about how you secretly like long walks on the beach because everybody with a beating heart likes the sound of water, the colors cast on the sea while the sun sets, and seeing footprints in the sand. We live in California, goddamn it, of course you fucking love the beach.

I want to know if your parents are together or if they are divorced, and why. What did they teach you about life and love that you bring into your own? Did you get along with your siblings? What’s your full name and why did your parents choose that? Were there any other names they were considering and how might your life have been different if you were named Geoff instead of Jeff? I want to learn something from you that I didn’t know I wanted to know.

I want to let you pole vault across my big brick walls of safety and I want to tell you about hyperbolic discounting, and why I think we get anxiety from placing salience on the wrong things. I want to geek out over how much I know about my boy Ben (as in Benjamin Franklin himself), and admit that the second degree I got was for fun. I can tell you all about love and sex in the history of America, because I’ve read hundreds of love letters from dead American couples for my senior thesis.

Tell me about somewhere I’ve never been, about how it feels to be able to fix a broken watch and hear it tick again and know that you put something back together with your hands and how that’s when you decided you were going to be a good engineer.

Above all, argue with me. Tell me I’m not right, and prove me wrong. I’ve never felt challenged intellectually in a relationship and now it’s my top desire in a man. I’m tired of the first two weeks of knowing someone getting filled up with misspelt “your beautiful,” because they never specify exactly what part of me is beautiful and I’m left on a riveting cliffhanger that never gets answered after we have one boring date and never talk again but they always reply with heart-eye emojis to my selfies forevermore.

I don’t know how to ask for these things and I‘m afraid that I come across as someone that may be incapable of connecting on a deeper level.

I don’t know when it’s appropriate to politely say, “Obviously we both find each other attractive or we wouldn’t be on this date, so let’s skip to the chase and peel back the layers of heartbreak that made us so tough to get to know and let’s really get to know each other for the next two hours so that we can make an informed decision on whether there’s something here or not and decide if we should see each other again or not waste our time.”

Is that not recommended? It’s not in my copy of the Why Men Love Bitches book, and it’s not in the “What Guys Really Want To Hear” articles in Cosmopolitan. I know I’m supposed to only be available two-thirds of the time so that he finds me mysterious, and that I have to wait four hours before replying to his Snapchat, but how am I ever supposed to care about someone if I’m busy acting like I don’t care about them?

I live a fulfilling, exciting life. I have the job that I want, my own apartment, a nice little cat, and the best friends ever. I am comfortable with myself and I am proud of my accomplishments. I want to learn more, travel more, and I want to fall in great love with someone that I get to experience new things with. I’m not in a rush, but I am so over 50 First Dates with 50 Boring Guys.

I know it’ll come at the right time, and I guess the right time isn’t now, but lately I’ve been wishing it was. Being in love would probably make this pandemic suck less. For now, I’m just going to live vicariously through Zac Efron’s Down to Earth show and keep trying to perfect my homemade gnocchi recipe.

sleeping well

Lately I have been getting the best sleep, and I think it’s because of my new sleep routine.

Before I go to sleep, I mentally end my day. I lay on my back, and I think about my day and let go of everything. I think about the events of the day, and I rate them. What did I do well? What could I have done better? If something good happened, I focus on it and I feel gratitude and happiness for that moment. If something bad happened, I take a mental note on how I can mitigate that in the future, and I move on. What’s done is done, and it’s already the past. I do not focus on the past any longer.

Next I think about my goals for the next day or the coming week. I visualize them happening, and I feel the happiness and excitement of my goals being met. I channel the law of attraction. I am so happy that I have this promotion. I love my new car. I am thankful for everything I have and everything I will have.

The past and future focus only take about five minutes each.

Presently, I want to sleep well so I set my intention for a deep sleep. I get into my sleeping position, usually on my side or stomach, and I count down from 100. I usually don’t wake up until my alarm goes off the next day, and I feel very well rested.

I think this is some form of meditation on the past, future, and present but I don’t pressure myself at all into doing any of it a certain way. I give everything the attention it deserves and I sleep well knowing that I did what I could and that I am striving to do better. The best feeling is knowing that all that is expected of me right now is to sleep, and I’m an excellent sleeper.

on re(a)d

I am currently in the market to buy a new (used) car. I want a Volkswagen Beetle convertible, and I can’t decide on the color. Red cars have a 7% higher risk of getting into an accident than other car colors, according to a google search that I just did.

Is it because red stands out the most? I don’t see too many red cars on the road, maybe because it’s a well known fact that the red car is more likely to get hit by oncoming traffic.

What is it about society wanting to take out something that stands out more than the other boring things? Red, the individual, inevitably gets dented by the much less cool, less vibrant grey.

Autolist.com says that silver is the most popular car color, next is white, with black in fifth. Bright red cars become more likely to be driven if the car in question is a convertible (double the difference).

I wonder if people that get into car crashes while driving their red cars end up buying a different colored car the next time they’re shopping around. Did the crash discourage them from standing out? Make them want to fit in?

If I crashed in a red car I would simply buy another red car out of spite. Hit me baby one more time. Miss me in the red.

Sometimes I feel like I’m the red car on the road of proverbial life. Easiest to see and most likely to get taken out by oncoming traffic. Very likely to stay left on re(a)d.

the best love letter

I will love you if I never see you again, and I will love you if I see you everyday… I will love you as we find ourselves farther and farther from one another, where once we were so close… I will love you until your face is fogged by distant memory. I will love you no matter where you go and who you see, I will love you if you don’t marry me. I will love you if you marry someone else and I will love you if you never marry at all, and spend your years wishing you had married me after all. That is how I will love you even as the world goes on its wicked way.

Lemony Snicket


This is from Lemony Snicket’s “The Beatrice Letters.” If you can, I really urge you to read this out loud to yourself.

I wish I could write something that encapsulated exactly how I feel when I read this. It’s so atomic-bomb-earth-shatteringly beautiful that I am left breathless after reading it. It gives me hope that one day someone is going to think about me like this, about you like this, about everybody. Talk about a soulmate, imagine being the Beatrice to somebody’s Lemony Snicket.

I want to write about it, but I think it really speaks for itself. And truly, it goes on and on, and would probably continue until the end of time if it weren’t for the silly fact that it does have an ending.

Here is the full version.

boundaries

Having boundaries in general, with a lot of people in your life, is good.

“I love people.  I love my family, my children ….. but inside myself is a place where I live all alone, where I renew my springs that never dry up…..”

Pearl S. Buck

I’ve lived in the world of right and wrong for so long that I forgot the grey area, the place where most things exist. Now I have accepted the ability to realize that most things are not mutually exclusive. There is good, there is bad, but nobody and nothing is 100% both. There is peace within the chaos and there is chaos when there is peace. I know that now, and it is within my power to accept both in my heart.

By being able to focus on things that are not people-oriented, I am able to grow as a person. By not focusing on pleasing someone, or trying to stay in contact at all times, I am focusing on myself.

Setting up boundaries isn’t bad. You don’t owe it to anyone to be available 24/7 for whenever they need you. You do owe it to yourself to available 24/7 for yourself when you need you.

One of the best things I have done over the past couple months is turn off notifications on my social media. I set a boundary between me and others, and I feel like I have a healthier relationship with my phone now because of it. It also makes me happier to see what my friends are up to, because I genuinely want to know. I’m not just mindlessly switching between apps for no reason.

Set boundaries, be happy!