Tag: love

‘Experience’ by Ludovico Einaudi type of shit

I can remember so much about the people I care(d) about and yet so little about myself. I think my favorite color is red, but my brain is more worried with trying to retain all of the favorite colors of all of the best friends I’ve ever had.

I am so selfish sometimes and I don’t know why I feel entitled to know everything about someone else while giving up barely anything about me.

At the same time I want someone to know me the way I know them. I want someone to just completely and totally understand me yet I actively push against it. The times I do share I feel like I’m saying too too too much and maybe I am afraid that if the someone I wanted to, really knew me, they wouldn’t find me that great.

I am named after a flower. I think I take too long to bloom and who wants to wait to see that when there are other much brighter and prettier flowers unfurling their petals faster?

But I hope one day I will bloom and there will be someone who is patient enough to catch the slow unraveling of each of my anxious petals and believe the final result was worth the wait.

the sentence.

If you were to write a book, what would be the sentence used to tell the reader that your character had fallen in love?

After she was sure he had gone, she took the pillow he had lain on and held it to her face, feeling the warmth of his lingering presence and smelling the remnants of his scent.

It isn’t so much falling in love as it is realizing that you had existed within it as a state of being for so long now that you can’t name the exact moment it occurred and you have no memory of falling at all, no bruises and no pain. Just patience.

on being tired but for good reasons

I’m too tired to make a great big entry to this post but I have a list of good reasons to be tired that make you feel good:

  • Working for over 12 hours and getting great work done that you’re proud of and going to bed without any more things you have to do
  • Staying up too late talking to your favorite person even though your eyelids can’t possibly be open for much longer, you keep them open just to hear them talk
  • Figuring out how to play a song that isn’t tabbed anywhere and even though you won’t play it for anyone because they wouldn’t know it, you remembered all the words and got all the notes right just for you
  • Finishing the last season of the best show ever and taking time to figure it all out
  • Thinking a little too much about someone and wondering what they meant when they said that thing that made you smile so big that you felt it all day and all night
  • Not moving from your spot on the couch because your little animal is asleep and you just can’t bear to wake it up because it’s just so cute and you’re so happy that your pet is your small house guardian
  • Reading a really good book and not realizing that you’d spent hours and hours reading but it was so worth it for the ending and the story and you get to take part of that story with you into your own
  • Going on an epic Wikipedia or YouTube dive and learning a bunch of new things that you wouldn’t have if you hadn’t happened upon them
  • Still taking off your makeup and putting your hair in a ponytail so it doesn’t get messed up with you sleep even though you could dive under the blankets now, but you prevented the messed up hair and the zit that always pops up when you don’t wash your face
  • Looking forward to something so much that you can’t sleep like you’re a kid going to Disneyland for the first time ever but you’re not a kid so you have to relish these moments because they’re so few and far between

And that’s it, a lot of run on sentences later. I’m happy and happy to be happy for many many reasons but these are a few good ones.

genius only comes along in storms of fabled foreign tongues

It feels like taking melatonin and getting slowly sleepier and sleepier except I don’t feel like going to sleep I just feel comfort and like I am testing my own patience like a rubber band.

In my head I am sending you waves of pink and red and white and in person I am snapping the invisible rubber band against my wrist again to literally snap out of it.

Talking to you feels like lighting a candle and feeling the warmth and smelling something clean and strong like fresh laundry, but from someone else’s house so I can’t pinpoint the exact brand.

You are not soft but constant and bold. I have always hidden my softness and hidden my strength and I worry that you still can’t, will never see either.

today I walk light

I am not here to absorb your grievances, your maladies, and try to compel myself to discover what invisible affliction has made you so full of bullshit. I will not let you try to get me to pretend your imagined issues are important. Today I walk light. I am the personification of a sunbeam and I may just strike you blind upon entering my presence. On this day, I will pirouette my entire journey around the sun in while chewing multiple sticks of bubblegum at one time until I have enough to hang you up on the Seattle gum wall where you and all of the other icky, sticky fiends belong.

I can’t wait to meet you! But I totally can

I was talking to my friend about finding love and they’re impatient about how long it’s going to take them.

I’m off the dating app thing, and I know I won’t go back to them. I hate feeling like people are so easily replaced, and texting back in forth before ever meeting has always ruined things for me. People are never who you build them up to be in your head, and it just becomes a waste of time. It all feels so forced and it just hasn’t worked for me.

I’m so excited for when I get to meet the person I will fall in love with, but I can wait. There’s something comforting about knowing that while I’m making myself into the best person I can be, someone is out there making themself into the best person they can be for me too.

I hope I’ll know when I meet someone special, and I hope I’ll be ready for it. Until then, I’m excited to see what happens during the in-between. I want to travel and write and get to know myself better. There are a lot of things I’d like to accomplish before that, and I will have so many stories to tell my person.

I am excited! I can’t wait to love you with everything I’ve got, but I can also definitely wait. It won’t be wasted time. You’ll be worth the wait.

block ‘em, block ‘em all!!!!

The holidays scare away all the boys who only want to come over after 10:36 p.m. They don’t return until after the yucky cuffing and cuddling season is over, until the fireworks are in the air and it’s a new year so the coast is clear!!! The Women Are Over Their Need To Have A Fulfilling Relationship. We Are Safe Until October.

They’ll be the first to wish you happy new year and the first to swipe up on your selfies and reply on Snapchat. They’ll even send you a DM of your own Instagram picture and tell you how delicious you look (because you do!) but they won’t comment publicly. Of course not.

One will tell you how much he missed you and how busy he was, and you’ll think Really? Busy in the middle of this pandemic, even? Wow gosh gee whiz. How surprising! Except for the part where it isn’t surprising because it never is. This would be the third chance you’ve given him to suddenly fall in love with you and not just use you like a blowup doll. Do you think the third time’s a charm?

One will say he just used this time to really focus on work, and you’ll ask Oh well have you become very successful then? Have you lived up to your big talk about how much money you can make? And he will say this new year looks very promising, very lucrative, and can you send a picture?

One will say he shut everybody out, it’s not just you. He barely talked to his friends, even. He’s so sorry about that. So so sorry, it wasn’t cool. So can he come over? He can’t stop thinking about your body.

What about a personal favorite of mine, he has really grown so much this past year. He’s so thankful for everything, and hopes you are too. He hopes you want to hear about how much he has bettered himself. He knows his path, but he forgot your address, can you send it so he can come in 30 minutes to just hang out and catch up? In bed?

Getting a cute little Snapchat when you’re drinking a glass of wine alone watching a movie that says “ha ha ha ha ha get drunker and send cleavage pics“ should make you throw up in your mouth and hit block. Do it, I dare you. I double dog dare you.

Then hold up your wine tumbler that keeps the rosé cold and cheers to how great your cleavage will look in the face of the actual man who loves you, when that happens. SPOILER ALERT: it will happen, and it will happen so good. Cheers to the dirty dirty dirty sex you’ll have with a man you didn’t give it up to until you were exclusive. And fucking cheers to saying goodbye to these losers and waiting for a little thing called true love, baby!

dominoes and Dostoevsky

My god, a moment of bliss. Why, isn’t that enough for a whole lifetime?

Fyodor Dostoevsky, White Nights

I feel like I spent the past year setting up dominoes for hours and hours (read: months and months) and now it’s finally time to knock the first domino over and watch everything that I so carefully planned fall into place.

Some things aren’t an explosive firework result, but more like a steady match. Maybe most things. A slow and steady burn yields better results than a wild blaze.

It’s easy to come up with dreams and live them out in your head. But how revolutionary it is to bring them to fruition and see them manifest.

Now, after waiting and plowing and sowing and watering, I feel like I’m seeing the sprouts grow. The foundation was laid, the work is done.

I think I’m going to let myself be excited. Let myself get my hopes up because I worked for it, goddamnit. I worked so hard for so many months and then I got to rest for a bit and now we’re back with new challenges but I’m excited to face them because I know I can. (read: I KNOW I CAN.)

I just finished my to-do list and it’s time to make a new one.

I think a butterfly just flew out of my mouth

I can’t stop thinking about the butterfly thing, where he really said I think a butterfly just flew out of my mouth. And it doesn’t make me feel how it did at all any more, but it is so easy to remember how it used to make me feel. Like I’m watching myself act it out in a little movie.

I remember how much I reread that text over and over and over and over and I could have survived off of just knowing that someone felt that way about anyone. I only need three hours of sleep and a daydream when I feel like that.

Where you keep starting to do something and just forget right in the middle of it because he said he got butterflies from thinking about you so you drop everything and lay on the floor to ground yourself before you go flying into the Milky Way. And every time you pass by a mirror you go !!!! She Knows Something I’m Afraid To Think and you give yourself that little smile and can’t even let your own eyes meet or you’ll lose your grip on gravity yet again.

How strange it is that we can even get to that point. Where all you feel is !!!! and the butterflies in your tummy fly up to your heart and out of your throat and out of your mouth right in the middle of the airport and everyone’s wondering how did a monarch butterfly land right here in Terminal 3? But you hardly even notice because of all the butterflies still trying to make your feet lift right off of the ground so you swallow a thousand times until you feel about 60% certain that everybody can’t tell you’re in Big L.

He sent it from the airport. We weren’t texting before and I didn’t know how to reply. I probably read it a hundred times before I even thought about how to answer and the funny thing is I can’t remember how I answered at all. Some memories are like that. I remember exactly how I felt and how I pictured him sending the message and how it made me feel for the longest time, but I don’t know what I said back. Probably something mediocre because how can you beat a lyricist at the word game and in general I never know what to say just that I feel too much of it.

The picture is from Jude Guench, from a short story called The Butterfly Eater. I feel it is much more appropriate to how I feel now and in a way I feel like our stories parallel each other’s.

2016, the first entry of a new journal

Friday, October 7, 2016:

It’s always difficult to start a new journal. I guess I’ll begin this one by explaining what is happening in my life at the present moment.

I just turned 19, which is not particularly interesting or significant.

And, I am the happiest I have ever been.

I am still a Communications – PR major and I still love school. I want to learn everything I can. I’m very interested in Stoicism and the relationship between finances and psychology. I love reading, and the last book I read was left at the ice cream shop I used to work at. It’s called The Crimes of Love by the Marquis de Sade, translated from French.

I am also very much in like. I have said I love you to him, but between you and me (and me and me and me) I don’t know.

His name is ____ ___ and he is human incandescence.

All I ever wanted was to be in love, and here I am, nearly there. We are very good and happy enough together.

I feel almost adoration.

There isn’t a word that I can bring to mind to describe the incredible amount of trust I have invested into this man. I hope, with an arms’ length of distance between hope and faith, that I can end up belonging to him. In a way without the almosts and enoughs and very muches.

What I do know, is that if I could wrap myself up in a smell, it would be his.

I don’t think he knows or has ever known how I feel.

He said he loved me three times before I could bring myself to say it back, but I hope I can really really say it back soon. I am excited for a future where I say it and mean it.

For my birthday, he wrote me a song and gave me a purple orchid. More of the flowers are blooming and I think I am closer to being in love. It’s been three months since we’ve been a couple, is that enough? I see a lot of opportunity and I feel optimistic. I could.

What is for certain is that an old friend called my dad and offered him a job in Colorado. It’s kind of perfect/unique timing because of my grandma’s cancer, and she lives close to where the job would be. My family is moving to Colorado, and I am staying behind.

I’m scared. I hate feeling so helpless, even though I fought to stay. I want to be near my friends and my boyfriend, and I can work harder. I can finish school a semester early or something, and get another job to pay for the rent of me staying.

I made an excel spreadsheet to convince my dad that it would be more cost-effective to let me stay at my current school and pay up to $750 a month for my living expenses than to make me transfer to a Colorado school. The closest school is Boulder, and it’s nearly three times as expensive. I could stay and figure things out and it would still cost less.

I am scared to be by myself, but I have people. I’m also kind of excited. I wonder if living along (with roommates) will change me?

So I am apprehensive. Almost in love. Excited.

This is 19.

A response, at 23:

You should have dumped your boyfriend (that you didn’t even like) and moved to Colorado. You would have loved the snow and the mountains, and the house was amazing. Boulder would have been fun, and maybe now you’d be working for a cool PR company in Denver.

Living alone was lonely, and it really doesn’t affect your friends when you break up with your boyfriend. They kind of hated you for dropping off of the face of the earth and thinking some loser who was adequate at playing piano was ever worthy of your time. They came back though, and now you view maintaining separate friendships as a necessity in a relationship. You are you, before you are (almost?) anyone else’s. You will never belong to anyone else.

So yes, you did grow, but not in the way you thought you would.

He asked you to move in together, shortly after this, and you said no. Even though that’s supposed to be a critical moment, and even though that was supposedly everything you wanted. You. Said. No. Because. You. Didn’t. Like. Him. He really did smell so good in the beginning, though.

Who would we have been if we had gone to Colorado? Better? Worse?

The Marquis de Sade book was a good find.