Friday, October 7, 2016:
It’s always difficult to start a new journal. I guess I’ll begin this one by explaining what is happening in my life at the present moment.
I just turned 19, which is not particularly interesting or significant.
And, I am the happiest I have ever been.
I am still a Communications – PR major and I still love school. I want to learn everything I can. I’m very interested in Stoicism and the relationship between finances and psychology. I love reading, and the last book I read was left at the ice cream shop I used to work at. It’s called The Crimes of Love by the Marquis de Sade, translated from French.
I am also very much in like. I have said I love you to him, but between you and me (and me and me and me) I don’t know.
His name is ____ ___ and he is human incandescence.
All I ever wanted was to be in love, and here I am, nearly there. We are very good and happy enough together.
I feel almost adoration.
There isn’t a word that I can bring to mind to describe the incredible amount of trust I have invested into this man. I hope, with an arms’ length of distance between hope and faith, that I can end up belonging to him. In a way without the almosts and enoughs and very muches.
What I do know, is that if I could wrap myself up in a smell, it would be his.
I don’t think he knows or has ever known how I feel.
He said he loved me three times before I could bring myself to say it back, but I hope I can really really say it back soon. I am excited for a future where I say it and mean it.
For my birthday, he wrote me a song and gave me a purple orchid. More of the flowers are blooming and I think I am closer to being in love. It’s been three months since we’ve been a couple, is that enough? I see a lot of opportunity and I feel optimistic. I could.
What is for certain is that an old friend called my dad and offered him a job in Colorado. It’s kind of perfect/unique timing because of my grandma’s cancer, and she lives close to where the job would be. My family is moving to Colorado, and I am staying behind.
I’m scared. I hate feeling so helpless, even though I fought to stay. I want to be near my friends and my boyfriend, and I can work harder. I can finish school a semester early or something, and get another job to pay for the rent of me staying.
I made an excel spreadsheet to convince my dad that it would be more cost-effective to let me stay at my current school and pay up to $750 a month for my living expenses than to make me transfer to a Colorado school. The closest school is Boulder, and it’s nearly three times as expensive. I could stay and figure things out and it would still cost less.
I am scared to be by myself, but I have people. I’m also kind of excited. I wonder if living along (with roommates) will change me?
So I am apprehensive. Almost in love. Excited.
This is 19.
A response, at 23:
You should have dumped your boyfriend (that you didn’t even like) and moved to Colorado. You would have loved the snow and the mountains, and the house was amazing. Boulder would have been fun, and maybe now you’d be working for a cool PR company in Denver.
Living alone was lonely, and it really doesn’t affect your friends when you break up with your boyfriend. They kind of hated you for dropping off of the face of the earth and thinking some loser who was adequate at playing piano was ever worthy of your time. They came back though, and now you view maintaining separate friendships as a necessity in a relationship. You are you, before you are (almost?) anyone else’s. You will never belong to anyone else.
So yes, you did grow, but not in the way you thought you would.
He asked you to move in together, shortly after this, and you said no. Even though that’s supposed to be a critical moment, and even though that was supposedly everything you wanted. You. Said. No. Because. You. Didn’t. Like. Him. He really did smell so good in the beginning, though.
Who would we have been if we had gone to Colorado? Better? Worse?
The Marquis de Sade book was a good find.
Prattle Peach 