1 a.m.

I met three men over the past three months and spent one month each with them, dipping my summer feet into their iced over swimming pools.

I know that I idealize everything, especially romance. I can create a spark out of nothing, but since it’s not real it never keeps me warm.

I had a birthday and turned 23 and there was no boy who belonged to me sitting across my table singing with my friends. I don’t belong to anyone, which is a wild and freeing thing, but also so lonely.

Why doesn’t anyone ever work out for me? I only think this rarely, like now, when I can’t bring myself to fall asleep.

I know I have years to give but I feel like I’ve been chipping away at it these past few months. Give me one good movie kiss and I’ll give you my whole entire heart on a platter served just the way you like it.

I’m tired of hoping for this one to be the right one, and I wonder if I would be happier if I just gave up trying to find love. I have plenty of love. I have friends and family and a job that I am so happy at, but I crave being held sometimes. Kissing hello, kissing goodbye, and knowing another hello will come soon. If I was kissed today the odds would be slim that the same lips would grace mine ever again because they never stay long.

I fall in love for a month and it throws me under the bus. I don’t even think I fall in love with the person, but the idea that this person could be it!!!!! I wish I could keep my mouth shut to my friends about who I was dating because then they wouldn’t be so sorry for me when I tell them he never replied (again).

I wish I could staple my feelings into my foot and stomp on them every day until they died.

I wish I wasn’t so filled with longing all the time. I feel like I’m in the dark, reaching in front of me for something to hold on to and I just keep swinging my hands around aimlessly. Always reaching but never touching. Will I realize there is nothing there? Or will I just keep reaching forever?

I am so tired. I have work tomorrow. I have to make myself sleep.